Still His Wife

I'm still severely stuck at the same damn circle. I still can't like him, let alone love him.

He's calling right now .. but too much of my fiance is really TOO MUCH. So, I'm just going to ignore the heck out of him and maybe I'll tell him that it was intentional, not that I didn't see my cell phone or I was asleep, I'll tell him that we should reduce our calls so that we don't get bored of each other. Direct at his face. I have a deep desire to let him know how I feel about him. Though I've never pretended that I love him, but still I want him to get signals that I don't even like him. Maybe he'll change his mind about me, or at least he won't fall in love with me which will make it harder for my after one year marriage divorce plan.

Yesterday was awful. I couldn't sleep at night. I don't know how does this man think!! Yesterday while we were talking he told me bluntly and shamelessly: (People get bored at me). OMG! So, it's not just me? I'm not being unfair and inconsiderate?! He's just that boring.

Who wants to spend the rest of his life with a boring person! Life is hard enough without it.

I can imagine my wedding night perfectly now. I can imagine myself the director of the movie. Cause that night will be nothing but a movie. I'll act like a ride. Cause deep inside I don't EVER feel like a bride nor a wife. In my guts I feel that this man can't be my husband. I can't place him in my life, but definitely not my husband. My Mom and sister faking smiles, knowing that I'm a miserable person and they absolutely feel for me. Ah! Photography moments! This is the biggest bullshit ever. Acting like there is no tomorrow. God how much I hated it in my engagement party, and I just can't take another set for wedding. just can't.

It's plain stupid and ugly moments.

I can imagine the songs I'm gonna chose for the sake of the movie not cause I'm feeling them one bit. I can imagine faking smiles, holding my breath, acting happy .. I'm so scared of that night. It's soul destroying.

and the biggest nightmare is him being there .. God I still can't stand him.

xoxo,
wife or no wife