Still His Wife (3)

Yesterday I was immensely annoyed at my fiancée. If he had one tiny nerve of feelings he could sense it in my tone and my words ..

Everyday, I get more convinced that we have totally different characters, if he had one after all!

Between us there is no harmony .. I guess only duty.

One day he told me: 

- You are the most important thing in my life now.

I answered:

- Why is that?

He said:

- Because you're my wife.

I said: 

- What if I was your wife? Do you mean that this is who you are? You're a person whose wife is the most important thing to him no matter who she is? Like, what if it wasn't me? What if your wife was another lady? Is your interest will be the same?

To my surprise he said:

- Yes, I guess!

I dunno if he really got my question, or he just answered me to keep the conversation going! 

I woke up this morning feeling sick. I want a divorce. I can't go on with this marriage. I can't picture myself living with this man, let's name him David, for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I can take it for a year or two .. and then? I'll continue living unhappy life just because I was terrified to break up this engagement!

There are a lot of annoying things I discovered, or to say it better, I learned about my fiancée. He's a person who lacks character! Can he be more charming?!

Seriously, he never told me something about the real him .. Who is he? How does he think? What puts him in good mood? What is he good at? What makes him angry? .. nothing .. He's always OK. He's always fine.

I don't know if this is just him or it's a man thing not to talk much about himself. You should know that in this process of engagement I'm learning new things about men and my fiancée in particular.  Based on the fact that in my country we never have relationships with men before marriage. So, it's a tough process to learn about them both and there is always the fear that .. all men are just like that, but I'm misjudging my fiancée thinking that he's the only one who acts like this or that.

It has been three months and I almost can easily guess his responses or any words he may utter from his mouth. He's that simple and that dull. This is how I feel about him. Sometimes an idea hits me and I get thrilled for no reason. Maybe he is acting. Maybe he is hiding a whole other personality behind this calm, naive one. Maybe he's smarter than I think and he's being so considerate and thoughtful that he's hiding his opinions and ideas till after marriage.

But, I highly agree with the first option. He's uniquely naive and simple .. shallow perhaps.

Is this a bad thing after all? Who doesn't want to live with someone who is free and so not opinionated. Everything will be my way and I'll face no objections. Isn't that great for a life time partner?! I'll choose everything for myself and be responsible about all my decisions. Unlike the way I've been raised where guys always have the upper word in my family. Getting married to a person like that will give me a kind of freedom and space I've always craved.

But .. Wouldn't I need a smart person to depend on? Don't I need a wise man to take his opinion about stuff? Wouldn't I need a vocal man to talk and discuss things .. anything .. with him? Wouldn't I need to have conversations that has lines I can never forget?

Today .. my mind says: Divorce

xoxo,
wife or no wife