A traditional marriage!
What a BIG expression it is for me, yet it means nothing to the whole society I live in. For everyone else in my country, it is simply marriage. It's just the way things go here. I don't fucking know why I see it differently. For me, it is traditional marriage! For me, it has a name .. It has a kind. It's not simply marriage. Oh! How bad I wish it was just marriage for me like the rest of the girls here .. My life would have been way much easier and probably happier ..
Why am I seeing it strange, worrying, unacceptable, fatal, and scary .. ? I have no idea. It's not like my mom has been married differently than everyone else here. Or that I've been raised in different country and I just came back home and is shocked at how things are in my country. I've lived all my life with these people .. but I still can't in a million years fathom the idea of traditional marriage!
I'm traditionally engaged now and will, OR WILL NOT, be traditionally married in a couple of months. You may ask me: since you are highly against traditional marriages, why on God's green earth are you having one?!
That's a good question and it'll be fully answered in this blog as you keep reading .. But you should just know that I am forced to accept. Not forced , like, by my father or mother .. not forced by my religion or family .. or a certain rule just the way my aunt got married 40 years ago .. No .. I am forced exactly the way she was but by different forces .. In my case it's the difficulties I've been trying to solve in my life .. and the crappy situation I found myself stuck into .. Those were great forces for me that I threw myself, wishfully, into traditional marriage .. which I'm highly questioning .. and wondering if I did made a big mistake!
It has been three hellish moths .. unstopped crying .. nightmares at times .. and all days long for three whole moths I have been feeling like my head is going to explode .. My route of thinking is going exactly like this .. I should divorce him .. (millions of reasons why to), oh no I shouldn't (other millions of reasons why not), back to divorcing him .. no no .. no divorce ... divorce .. no divorce .. divorce .. divorce .. divorce .. no divorce !
It's literally killing me .. and it gets really intense when I'm all alone .. or when I'm going somewhere with the driver in the car .. (that happens everyday going and coming back from school), in bed before I sleep .. in the bathroom while taking morning piss !!
I decided to start writing in a blog about this exact matter .. MY MARRIAGE!
I'm gonna explore every idea and every thought that comes into my head here .. writing makes ideas concrete objects for me .. and this will help me decide even better .. to divorce or not to divorce ..
I'm gonna throw everything in here without considering who's gonna read this .. cause I'll never ever let a living soul ,from people I know, knows who is writing behind this screen .. So, I'm gonna write freely .. openly .. about absolutely anything .. from my marriage nightmare .. to which finger I usually use to masturbate!
My mind says at this time .. Don't divorce
xoxo,
wife or no wife
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