Still His Wife

I'm still severely stuck at the same damn circle. I still can't like him, let alone love him.

He's calling right now .. but too much of my fiance is really TOO MUCH. So, I'm just going to ignore the heck out of him and maybe I'll tell him that it was intentional, not that I didn't see my cell phone or I was asleep, I'll tell him that we should reduce our calls so that we don't get bored of each other. Direct at his face. I have a deep desire to let him know how I feel about him. Though I've never pretended that I love him, but still I want him to get signals that I don't even like him. Maybe he'll change his mind about me, or at least he won't fall in love with me which will make it harder for my after one year marriage divorce plan.

Yesterday was awful. I couldn't sleep at night. I don't know how does this man think!! Yesterday while we were talking he told me bluntly and shamelessly: (People get bored at me). OMG! So, it's not just me? I'm not being unfair and inconsiderate?! He's just that boring.

Who wants to spend the rest of his life with a boring person! Life is hard enough without it.

I can imagine my wedding night perfectly now. I can imagine myself the director of the movie. Cause that night will be nothing but a movie. I'll act like a ride. Cause deep inside I don't EVER feel like a bride nor a wife. In my guts I feel that this man can't be my husband. I can't place him in my life, but definitely not my husband. My Mom and sister faking smiles, knowing that I'm a miserable person and they absolutely feel for me. Ah! Photography moments! This is the biggest bullshit ever. Acting like there is no tomorrow. God how much I hated it in my engagement party, and I just can't take another set for wedding. just can't.

It's plain stupid and ugly moments.

I can imagine the songs I'm gonna chose for the sake of the movie not cause I'm feeling them one bit. I can imagine faking smiles, holding my breath, acting happy .. I'm so scared of that night. It's soul destroying.

and the biggest nightmare is him being there .. God I still can't stand him.

xoxo,
wife or no wife

Still His Wife (4)

Why did I accept to get married traditionally, or more specifically, why did I accept getting married to D?

1- Cause this is the way marriages are here .. so, by accepting, I'm just going on with the flow.. doing exactly what I'm expected to do.. and it's not a big deal for anyone, but me.

2- I have reached an age where I'm almost considered of those who have got married late. I mean all my closest friends are married but two of us. All my female relatives are married even those who are younger than me.. This has put a kind of pressure on my family, which in return was a great pressure on me.

3- My mother's constant search for a husband for me, and her telling me that getting married will solve all my problems, and having these words come from a mouth that I trust so bad, I kinda was convinced.

4- My family situation: Having divorced parents, Hitler-like brother .. and living in a semi-apartment where sunlight has burned my skin .. All of these collaborated as forces for me to accept marriage as a good turn of my ruined life.

5- My personal experience that made me tearful non-stop for almost a year walked hand in hand with all of the above to make me starving a change in my life.

6- My emotional and physical needs are getting heavier by the minute, so I decided to give myself a chance like every other girl in my family to give all this load a relief.

7- D, in particular, was going to help me achieve one of my ultimate goals which I'm dying to, so I shut my eyes closed over all his flaws and I accepted.

8- Believing that it's going to be the hardest war to face my family and search for my true love, and that will cost me time, anger, humiliation, and maybe my family as a whole. Knowing that indeed it's difficult for any girl in my society to look for love, it's almost doubled in my situation. So, I just gave up the idea of love, or let's say I postpone it.

9- Divorce is not a remote idea for me .. it's not one of the possibilities for me as it is for some people. I honestly will take a serious step into divorce if I felt that my life is unhappy with D. My family condition makes divorce always on the tip of my tongue. 

I don't know if these are enough reasons, but I was drugged as my friend said and I accepted this marriage, which I'm not happy about one bit.

xoxo,

wife or no wife

Still His Wife (3)

Yesterday I was immensely annoyed at my fiancée. If he had one tiny nerve of feelings he could sense it in my tone and my words ..

Everyday, I get more convinced that we have totally different characters, if he had one after all!

Between us there is no harmony .. I guess only duty.

One day he told me: 

- You are the most important thing in my life now.

I answered:

- Why is that?

He said:

- Because you're my wife.

I said: 

- What if I was your wife? Do you mean that this is who you are? You're a person whose wife is the most important thing to him no matter who she is? Like, what if it wasn't me? What if your wife was another lady? Is your interest will be the same?

To my surprise he said:

- Yes, I guess!

I dunno if he really got my question, or he just answered me to keep the conversation going! 

I woke up this morning feeling sick. I want a divorce. I can't go on with this marriage. I can't picture myself living with this man, let's name him David, for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I can take it for a year or two .. and then? I'll continue living unhappy life just because I was terrified to break up this engagement!

There are a lot of annoying things I discovered, or to say it better, I learned about my fiancée. He's a person who lacks character! Can he be more charming?!

Seriously, he never told me something about the real him .. Who is he? How does he think? What puts him in good mood? What is he good at? What makes him angry? .. nothing .. He's always OK. He's always fine.

I don't know if this is just him or it's a man thing not to talk much about himself. You should know that in this process of engagement I'm learning new things about men and my fiancée in particular.  Based on the fact that in my country we never have relationships with men before marriage. So, it's a tough process to learn about them both and there is always the fear that .. all men are just like that, but I'm misjudging my fiancée thinking that he's the only one who acts like this or that.

It has been three months and I almost can easily guess his responses or any words he may utter from his mouth. He's that simple and that dull. This is how I feel about him. Sometimes an idea hits me and I get thrilled for no reason. Maybe he is acting. Maybe he is hiding a whole other personality behind this calm, naive one. Maybe he's smarter than I think and he's being so considerate and thoughtful that he's hiding his opinions and ideas till after marriage.

But, I highly agree with the first option. He's uniquely naive and simple .. shallow perhaps.

Is this a bad thing after all? Who doesn't want to live with someone who is free and so not opinionated. Everything will be my way and I'll face no objections. Isn't that great for a life time partner?! I'll choose everything for myself and be responsible about all my decisions. Unlike the way I've been raised where guys always have the upper word in my family. Getting married to a person like that will give me a kind of freedom and space I've always craved.

But .. Wouldn't I need a smart person to depend on? Don't I need a wise man to take his opinion about stuff? Wouldn't I need a vocal man to talk and discuss things .. anything .. with him? Wouldn't I need to have conversations that has lines I can never forget?

Today .. my mind says: Divorce

xoxo,
wife or no wife

Still his wife (2)

A traditional marriage!

What a BIG expression it is for me, yet it means nothing to the whole society I live in. For everyone else in my country, it is simply marriage. It's just the way things go here. I don't fucking know why I see it differently. For me, it is traditional marriage! For me, it has a name .. It has a kind. It's not simply marriage. Oh! How bad I wish it was just marriage for me like the rest of the girls here .. My life would have been way much easier and probably happier ..

Why am I seeing it strange, worrying, unacceptable, fatal, and scary .. ? I have no idea. It's not like my mom has been married differently than everyone else here. Or that I've been raised in different country and I just came back home and is shocked at how things are in my country. I've lived all my life with these people .. but I still can't in a million years fathom the idea of traditional marriage!


I'm traditionally engaged now and will, OR WILL NOT, be traditionally married in a couple of months. You may ask me: since you are highly against traditional marriages, why on God's green earth are you having one?!

That's a good question and it'll be fully answered in this blog as you keep reading .. But you should just know that I am forced to accept. Not forced , like, by my father or mother .. not forced by my religion or family .. or a certain rule just the way my aunt got married 40 years ago .. No .. I am forced exactly the way she was but by different forces .. In my case it's the difficulties I've been trying to solve in my life .. and the crappy situation I found myself stuck into .. Those were great forces for me that I threw myself, wishfully,  into traditional marriage .. which I'm highly questioning ..  and wondering if I did made a big mistake!

It has been three hellish moths .. unstopped crying .. nightmares at times .. and all days long for three whole moths I have been feeling like my head is going to explode .. My route of thinking is going exactly like this .. I should divorce him .. (millions of reasons why to), oh no I shouldn't (other millions of reasons why not), back to divorcing him .. no no .. no divorce ... divorce .. no divorce .. divorce .. divorce .. divorce .. no divorce !

It's literally killing me  .. and it gets really intense when I'm all alone .. or when I'm going somewhere with the driver in the car .. (that happens everyday going and coming back from school), in bed before I sleep .. in the bathroom while taking morning piss !!

I decided to start writing in a blog about this exact matter .. MY MARRIAGE!

I'm gonna explore every idea and every thought that comes into my head here .. writing makes ideas concrete objects for me .. and this will help me decide even better .. to divorce or not to divorce ..

I'm gonna throw everything in here without considering who's gonna read this .. cause I'll never ever let a living soul ,from people I know, knows who is writing behind this screen .. So, I'm gonna write freely .. openly .. about absolutely anything .. from my marriage nightmare .. to which finger I usually use to masturbate!

My mind says at this time .. Don't divorce

xoxo,
wife or no wife

Still his wife (1)

This is my first post in this blog. Actually I'm not a new blogger and this is not my first blog. I have two other blogs I write in, but I wanted this one to be ramblings about my lately hideous life!

I'm engaged ..

My fiancée inserted a ring in my hands in 24th of March 2010. A typical traditional marriage. He was just a guy I'm seeing for the first time in my life .. and all my thoughts were .. OMG! This is the guy who's going to sleep with me on the same bed for the rest of my life .. This is him .. right there next to me .. I know absolutely nothing about him .. He knows absolutely nothing about me .. and we're going to share a bed for life!

He's a guy .. A typical Saudi guy. He doesn't sound bothered at all by this idea. It's exactly the way he imagined it .. exactly the way he wanted it to be .. He seemed to be happy .. relaxed .. convinced .. having no fear or worries or even question marks popping inside his head.

It has been almost three months until now ..

and until now .. all I'm thinking of is DIVORCE!

xoxo,
wife or no wife